I just put together a new website (elisabethandrews.com), reintroducing myself in my current professional incarnation. I’m happy with where it landed, but during the process I felt miserably unsure about my story. It made me realize something about impostor syndrome, at least in the way I experience it:
I feel like an impostor because of what my CV leaves out.
I’ve never recognized this before, but what I feel is a guilty conscience about only showing my highlights. Yes, everything on the website is legit. Most of it is also very recent. But what about proposals that didn’t get funded? What about the degrees I don’t have? What about the workshop participants who didn’t provide feedback?
There’s a truth within this sense that I’m misrepresenting myself. If I’m showcasing only the best of my work, I am leaving out parts of what I’ve done and experienced.
And herein lies a deep-seated belief: If I’m not giving evidence against myself, I’m not being honest.
Journal prompt: Do you sometimes feel obliged to point out your own shortcomings, for instance in response to a compliment? What beliefs might drive that impulse?
The argument against counterarguments
As I contemplate this belief, I realize that what feels like a noble goal — tell the whole story — is actually a dodge. It’s a desire to outsource faith in myself.
How comforting it would be if each prospective client inspected all historical details before working with me. Like applying for college: Here are my transcripts. Here are my standardized test scores. You tell me. Am I worthy?
How reassuring, if I could lay out the case as if I myself were a grant proposal. Transparently discussing potential risks, real and perceived, and then diligently and exhaustively explaining their mitigation.
And would that serve the client? No. It would serve my ego.
Because I don’t actually believe that my outtakes discredit me. If they did, the successes would not have been possible.
And I respect my clients’ time. I strive to save my clients time. It is not their job to wade through my insecurities.
My impostor syndrome is, in one sense, hubris masquerading as humility. I am obviously capable of doing what I have done. I’m just trying to shuck the hard work of representing the best version of myself.
And that’s what marketing does. That’s what marketing is for. Even in grant proposals, there’s no risk register in the biosketch. It’s a showcase, not a court case, and your best work IS what best represents you.
Journal prompt: What would it take to erase self-doubt in your capabilities? Who would need to deem you worthy?
And also my job is weird
This week I joined a membership community called “Generalist World.” I’ve never self-identified as a generalist before — I think of myself as specializing in helping academics communicate with decision makers — but from an academic perspective, I am not a specialist. My terminal degree is a Master’s in Public Health. My undergraduate degree is in History.
I am curious to find out if other generalists have impostor syndrome challenges similar to my own, especially if they never acquired degrees that signal expertise among their clients.
So, yes, I remain self-conscious that I never pursued a PhD. I know that, for the research crowd especially, it is the ultimate signifier of intelligence. My impostor syndrome wins this point: I’m not qualified to be an academic.
And in this other sense my impostor syndrome is indeed humility. I work with people who are far more knowledgeable than I am. My clients understand systems of phenomena at a depth that I will never approximate.
But here’s the great news: I have a different job. I’m not a researcher, I’m a communicator. I’m not part of the data collection or even the data synthesis; I help convey those insights to people who can apply them.
So it’s okay that I don’t know the things my clients know. I don’t even know things how they know them. But over time, through these collaborations, I have built my own knowledge map connecting dots across disciplines and sectors.
And my website does its job by presenting what I’m always trying to help my clients present, in clear terms, at a glance: the big picture.
Journal (or marketing!) prompt: How is your professional contribution distinct and different from that of your primary collaborators?
Upcoming Event - Reclaim Your Time and Energy
February 21, 10am EST - Following the positive response to my book 50 Ways to Say No, I have been running a series of workshops on flexing your no muscle. Coming up Wednesday, February 21, join me and Perle Laouenan-Catchpole of NeedWorkshops for a unique guided session on peacefully reclaiming your time and energy.
Cost is “buy us a coffee if you like,” free if you need, and per Perle’s policy the workshop is a gift if you identify as Black, Indigenous, and/or Person of Color (BIPOC) in acknowledgment of the impact of historic, global, and systemic racism.
Register here and feel free to send questions my way. Check out our video clip below!