There are so many different ways to journal, from gratitude lists to stream-of-consciousness to journaling about your dreams. I love exploring as many approaches as possible, and this tool from Byron Katie is among the most powerful I’ve found. She shares fantastic free resources on her website, including the full version of this Judge Your Neighbor exercise. To keep to a 15-minute prompt, I’m describing the abbreviated technique she refers to as "one belief at a time” and how I approach it.
This tool is incredibly helpful when someone else’s behavior is causing a problem for you — making you feel hurt, angry, scared, or any way you’d rather not feel. While it might not apply in every situation and I suggest starting with something minor, I’ve found this approach priceless in gradually understanding how little other people’s actions have to do with me and how much interpretation I bring to my interactions.
To get the most from this exercise, it’s essential to get maximally petty and judgmental. I promise the tool works best if, just for today, you can tap into your most aggrieved and vitriolic setting. You can shred this entry when you’re done, but for now go all in with your criticism.
STEP 1 - Isolate an incident.
Begin by identifying something upsetting that someone else did. DO NOT address yourself with this statement; the statement needs to be about another person. It can be about something that happened long ago, such as during your childhood, or something more recent. Whether you are thinking of a one-off event or recurring behavior, call to mind a specific incident or example in which this person is doing the upsetting thing. See and experience it in your mind as clearly as you can.
Now, in one sentence, write down how you feel toward that person as a result of what they did.
For example: I am angry with Susanne because she insulted my work.
Write yours: I am [emotion] with/about [this person] because [their behavior].
STEP 2 - Is it true?
In your journal, answer the following Y/N questions about the statement. Yes and No are both valid answers, but try to resist the temptation to find shades of grey, explain, or justify your answer. Just listen for the yes or no.
• Is it true? Take your time with this question. Key into to that precise moment. Is what you wrote completely accurate?
• (if Yes) Can you be absolutely certain that it’s true? Look once more. Is everything that you wrote completely verifiable and verified? (Your answer might still be Yes. In my example, I notice that I was told about the insult, so I can’t actually verify it.)
STEP 3 - How do I feel and behave in that moment when I believe it?
Write down your answers to these open-ended questions:
• How do you feel when you believe what you have written? Where in your body does the emotion register?
• How do you behave toward that person?
STEP 4 - How would I feel and behave in that moment if I did not believe it?
• Taking your mind to that exact incident, look at the person and imagine that it is not possible for you to have the thought that you wrote down. It might help to pretend there was or is some other underlying reason for that person’s behavior unrelated to your interpersonal dynamic. There's no need to disavow your beliefs, but experimentally consider what it would be like if, somehow, the thought you wrote down could be dropped. Imagine you could look at that person, in that same situation, without the thought. What would you see and how would you respond?
STEP 5 - Turnarounds.
The process closes with “turnarounds,” in which you try flipping your statement in various ways to see if there is any truth to that new statement.
• First, make every reference to every person a reference to yourself. For example, I would start with “I am angry with myself because I insulted my work.” Consider if there is any truth in this turnaround.
• Now consider other turnarounds that flip one or more components, e.g.:
"I am grateful to Susanne because she insulted my work."
"Susanne did not insult my work."
"I am angry with myself because I insulted Susanne."
(Note that some turnarounds won't have resonance. You're checking for any that do.)
If you’d like to see examples of this process in action, Byron Katie hosts a podcast in which she walks callers through the full Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet.
We’ll also be working through the full process in the Journal Garden this week in daily 10-15 minute increments. Join us for a two-week free trial of daily prompts and a live guided session this Saturday, May 6 at 11:30am: journalgarden.mn.co. We bring together prompts, tools, and live sessions to build a journaling habit that invites more “Aha!” moments of clarity, peace, and joy.